Did you know that your vagina has something to say? Why wouldn’t it? It’s got lips. And teeth…

I’m kidding about the teeth. I don’t know your life. However, it’s just true that our vaginas are willful communicators. It’s just very rare that we really take the time to listen. For this moment, I am electing myself the spokesperson of your Yoni.

We tend to treat them like an abusive boss and only snap to if they start to yell. The va-jay-jay way to scream is to make like The Atacama Desert. Look, it happens. And if it hasn’t happened to you, it’s only a matter of time.

Vaginal dryness. Ugh! It sounds like something that deserves a yearly telethon until a permanent cure is discovered. Instead of Jerry’s Kids, it would probably be Sarah Silverman’s Homegirls, or something drippingly millennial (sorry for the pun).

So yeah. Dry coochie sucks mainly because, among other things, it causes yeast infections, discomfort, and painful intercourse. While it’s easy enough to just squeeze a plop of K-Y and restart the tap, it’s also important that we take a moment (not during “the moment”) to figure out what hairy Mary Lou is trying to convey.

After all, she’s kind of like the dashboard indicator light for our natural female intuition. Just in case we’re ignoring that dinging sound in our head, she offers a real life warning that something in the machine needs servicing.

Here are some possible translations for what she really means.

*Time to check the engine. Are you drinking enough water? Are you eating right? Have you seen the doctor and made sure everything is working properly? Sometimes it’s just a self-care issue.

*What’s your vaginal vintage? With a little yoga and topical coconut oil, some of us do get better with age. Let’s face it, time keeps moving whether we like it or not. Sometimes she just wants to take a break or she’s gearing up for the big change. I know. We all hate that. The sooner we accept that it’s coming and confirm it with a Dr, the sooner we can lube up and look forward to the days when there will be no monthly “period” of sexlessness. See what I did there?

*He just don’t got game. Unless you’ve already had a convincing conversation with him about the importance of warming you up, you can’t blame him if he’s quick to enter. I know it’s a cliche but many partners aren’t wired for a full fight card. They’ll try to skip right to the main event. Here’s where I get graphic. Some will just want to slap on some saliva and saddle up. It’s important, if you care about long-term intimacy, to challenge him to stimulate your heart and mind first. For some of us, those are the detonators for making it rain at ground zero.

*You’re all up in your head. Like I said, brain stimulation can set off the sprinklers. However, thinking too much is like using an industrial wet-vac in a flood relief situation. It’ll dry up everything. Once you’ve agreed to do the deed, the only thing to focus on is feeling and causing awesome sensations. Your work project, errands, kids, the state of your relationship will all still be there after your orgasm. In a sexual moment, there are much better ways to involve your heads than thinking.

*You’re just not that into him. It could be that you’re not sure of your feelings or you know it’s not going anywhere but you still want to give him some. Either way, the emotional stimulation generator is not backing up the physical stimulation switch (which may be run by Con Edison since outages are inevitable). If that’s the case, getting clear about him will restore power, even if it means saying “Bye”.

So what’s your panty pocket trying to convey? Just remember that she’s a lot like women who work in finance. Smart, but still fighting to be heard.

Stay lubricated. Hit me back with questions and comments.