So this is inspired by one of my clients who’s beautiful, wears five-inch heels like most of us wear our gym sneakers (effortlessly), and when it comes to guys is a total liar.
I know that sounds so harsh. But it’s time we start calling a spade a spade. All of the things we do and say with men, especially in the early dating phase, that are false, are also wrecking our chances for anything real.
I know, you’re thinking, “How dare you accuse me of being dishonest Candice Harper Love Coach! I am always above board.”
Well, I’m here to tell you that you may think you are, and you may have very lofty, moral intentions but no one is ALWAYS above board. Sometimes we just think we’re being nice or saving feelings. Don’t act like this is new to you.
Since the beginning of “dating” as we know it, we women have been lead to believe that we’ve always got to put our best foot forward in order for men to find us desirable.
Look pretty, be sexy, speak softly, don’t make any sudden movements. We have to remember, though, the old mindset for how women are supposed to behave comes from the early 1900s when women started “going out” with men because their families were too poor to entertain gentlemen callers.
And so the facade begins. Imagine if you were your average 18-year-old eligible oldest girl in an impoverished family circa 1905. A, somewhat monied, gentlemen comes horse & carriaging his way down the cobblestones and finds you fetching.
He’s immediately got to find out for himself if you’re worthy of the fiscal responsibility of courting and marrying you. He asks if you would like to attend a show at the Victory. You likely spend the entire time pretending you have no bodily functions and that you didn’t brush your teeth with a bundle of broom straw that you share with your sister. He’s blindly smitten by your well-mannered facade. A fartless marriage ensues.
Pretense is the foundation on which modern dating is built.
Here we are a century or so later, most of us single gals are a little older than 18, we don’t necessarily live with our parents, and we have the resources to be self-reliant.
So although the objective for dating has changed, the mindset has not. When we like a guy, many of us still approach courting like his approval will save our family’s future.
Still believe that you’re ALWAYS truthful? Take this quick quiz…
- Have you ever pretended you liked something because your date liked it and you liked your date?
- Have you ever laughed at dumb sh*t he did that just wasn’t funny?
- Have you ever been really bothered by something he did and pretended it was fine?
- Have you ever pretended to be busy to seem more unavailable?
- Have you ever compromised on something and then wished you hadn’t, but didn’t say anything?
- Have you ever faked an orgasm?
Did you answer “yes” to any of the above? It’s ok if you did. It’s not wrong. It’s not a mortal sin. It’s just important to know that the things we’re not authentic about in the beginning are the same things that can destroy our relationship in the end. Or, at the very least, make our partner annoying as f*ck sometimes.
There’s nothing more difficult than re-teaching someone how to treat you. In other words, if you’ve spent months tolerating a situation and then grow your cajones and decide to take a stand for yourself, you may be able to affect some change, but take it from me, a man’s favorite argument is “it never bothered you before”.
So what should you do instead? Surely, dead-panning a guy after he just whipped out one of his jokiest zingers or yelling “ew” when he slobs down your chin isn’t the nicest way to foster a happy beginning. (Although, it’s still better than pretending.)
Just be willing to let guys know what you like and what you don’t like early on. Praise what you like. Calmly alert him to what you don’t. It’s that simple. No confrontations required.
Most good guys are truly looking to do everything they can to please you. If you communicate, they will usually reciprocate with an attempt at something more pleasant.
If they consistently can’t, or worse, if they won’t. Tell ‘im “Boy Bye”! And don’t be sorry. There’s a hole out there for every peg. I realize that sounds cheap in this context.
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Wishing you love and life,